Not A Moment Too Soon

I am the Ashton Kutcher of the romantic-comedy known as fantasy football. Oh sure, my talent is questionable, but I make jokes before coitus and if you film me while I do this then you can watch with your main gal and think, Ha, I never joke before sex. Who does that? My girl loves the way I make love to her. I'm all about serious sex. She'd never do this guy. Well, The Mantasy Man has something to say about that: First of all, no man should privately consider what he does to his girl making love. Maybe publicly, like for PR reasons (if that applies), but privately? No. The Mantasy Man has respect for a slow grind now and again, but only to make it last longer. I can get with calling this love making if it ensures more coitus at some later date and time, but you need to know the difference and be honest with yourself  - you are an average lay, Ashton Kutcher is probably very good in bed, and your special lady would pound out Ashton Kutcher. (Editor's note: I apologize profusely for that sentence. Childish.) So you see, as sure as the days have nights and the seas have tides and Mike Vick has a Heckler and Koch G11 for a penis, The Mantasy Man is a sex-symbol for fantasy footballers everywhere, casting down statistical sunshine and nursing your fantasy dreams from incubator to full Mantasydom. Welcome this seasonal phenomenon back into your home because although NFL owners can lock out their employees, The Mantasy is as uncontainable as Slimer at a Sedgewick Hotel buffet. Let it happen. Don't fight. I will laugh before coitus if it helps.

As we move toward draft day remember to be humble, be prepared, and draft this year's Peyton Hillis and then start this year's Tim Tebow in the finals. It's that easy if you follow the Mantasy mantra: Do whatever you want and everything else will simply fall into place. Oh, and always know that you are the smartest person in your league and it is likely that nobody else is interpreting the data as deftly as you are. What a bunch of C.J. Spiller-drafting simpleton puppets. Am I right? 

Welcome back.

It's yours.

It's mine.

It's ours. 

-TMM (Not to be confused with TMR, although his opinions of Sir Michael Vick are welcome in and around my bed.)

Heckler and Koch's G11. Game on.