Quarter Pounders

These lads have been delivering juicy numbers for their owners through one quarter of the season. Surprised? In some cases, no. In other cases, only a liar would claim to have foreseen these numbers.


passing TD = 4 points
rushing TD = 6 points
receiving TD = 6 points
25 passing yards = 1 point
10 rushing yards/10 receiving yards = 1 point
interception = -1 point
fumble lost = -1 point



Quarterbacks:

Who knew? Maybe Eli should lift some weights.

1. Manning (99 points) - The strange thing about Manning is that he would obviously have been the first QB taken if he was guaranteed to play all sixteen games. With the Colts dropping two already, he could put up staggering numbers. Eli and Peyton are a lesson that no matter what a mother might say, brothers are not born equal.
2. Rivers (87) - You know what? I kind of hate this whiny buffoon. Still, his production is undeniable. L.T.'s move is proving to be good for everyone, except perhaps the real Chargers. Then again, they always start slow, which might mean Rivers has a silly season.
3. Rodgers (81) - All you have to do is watch him play to know that he is a stud. The ball comes out effortlessly and he has great arm strength. They never run, making him as important to the Packers as a player can be for his team. In fantasy, totally worth the high draft spot.
4. Orton (79) - Orton loves drinking, the Broncos loves passing, and those two things are very distantly related. If his arm doesn't fall off, Orton will be valuable whether he is good or not. In fantasy football, carries and targets get so much praise, but this is proof that passing attempts can make a mountain out of a mole hill at the QB position.
5. Vick (78) - It is all my fault that he won't last here. I killed him. Still, how crazy is it that he's basically played a game less than the other QBs on this list? What an enigma. The next quarter will see him passed by a far less surprising name.



Running Backs:

I hope it is obvious which one is Arian Foster.
The other one is Peyton Hillis.

1. Arian Foster (95) - It would take a string of bad weeks for Foster to slip from the almighty top running back spot. He has simply gone off twice and one of those times he sat out a quarter. It is hard to hate Foster, but it is also easy to imagine that this will not continue. He doesn't look particularly elusive, but he runs hard and is part of a powerful offense. Top 10 for the season? It is almost inevitable. Top 5? He definitely could do it. Arian Foster might be on the verge of stardom, and not only in fantasy circles.
2. Jahvid Best (72) - This is a chance to say that I was right. If I'm going to spew all this nonsense out and claim to know anything about anything, then I'm allowed to boast about getting something right every once in a while. As of now, the value of the three rookie running backs that I wrote about - Best, Mathews, and Spiller - goes in that order. I said that. I'm the best. Well, apparently, Best is the best, but that is the point. He will continue to get a ton of touches so long as the toe does not become an issue. Plus he's nasty quick and that is a dangerous combination.
3. Frank Gore (70) - The 49ers are a steaming pile of hot garbage that has been stewing in the heat of a hot summer sun. Actually, I'll bet the worst is over for them and that means good things for Frank Gore. Or does it? The 49ers inability to be good has lead to Gore taking a huge role in the passing game. One can imagine that he is going to get his touches and those owners who anticipated Gore having a big season may have hit the double bullseye to go out on a 50. That's a dart reference. Darts is a cool game.
4. LeSean McCoy (70) - Shady is great, but his ribs and Kevin Kolb being doo-doo should negatively effect his production. Still, he has already done enough to make himself one of several heavily used running backs who can anchor a fantasy lineup.
5. Adrian Peterson (69) - He is the only player on this list who has had his bye week. He will be number one soon enough and should have been drafted that way when fantasy leagues divvied up players.



Wide Receivers:

Austin Collie

1. Austin Collie (78) - Look, I don't know what to say here. Will this last? Sure, until Peyton decides to turn someone else into an All-Pro. Austin Collie 'Buddz' has a great nickname and a great amount of fantasy value. I still think the next guy finishes with more points.
2. Reggie Wayne (64) - 15 catches in a week is a real feat. Wayne is a stud and that has always been the case. Nothing new here, just beefy goodness.
3. Anquan Boldin (60)  - Half these points come in one game against the feeble Browns secondary, but Boldin is good and could easily stay near the top of the receivers the rest of the way. Uncle Creepy Quan is so touchy some times. Sabo told me that Boldin averages more yards per game (that he plays in) than any other wide receiver...in the history of the NFL.

Collie Buddz

4. Brandon Lloyd (57) - Check out B-Lloyd's website. When I went to it, it said "Coming Soon," yet the one page that had arrived was worth while. Sort of like the way it feels as if Lloyd will come crashing down to earth at any minute, but the first part of his season has been very fantasy worthy. He does look good if you watch him, I'll admit that, but he has been such a disappointment to this point in his career, I'm sure a bit of defensive attention will calm his numbers. Then again, check out that website!
5. Roddy White (56) - Ninja sighting! Roddy Roddy Piper is the E, the M, and both Cs. Roddy the Body gets more attention than a drill sergeant. He loves balls more than Cinderella. The cool thing about this guy is that opposing teams couldn't be doing more to stop him and yet Matt Ryan looks his way on every other passing play. White has scored no more than 15 points, but no less than 12, making him a staple of consistency. One off week will drop him off this list at the halfway mark, but with a big game...



Tight Ends:

Gates probably uses himself in video games...
...rightfully so.

1. Antonio Gates (80) - He has more points than the top scoring wide receiver and all but one of the running backs. He would rank fourth amongst quarterbacks. He is a top sirloin beef patty. I covet him. You should too.
2. Dustin Keller (57) - He's Mark Sanchez's whipping boy and he is a vicious red zone target. Sanchez and Keller make more fantasy love than Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall. If Mark Sanchez had a dog, he'd name it Old Keller. My prediction is that this fling sizzles out a bit, but let's be honest, even if it cools a bit, this is a relationship that owners want a piece of.
3. Dallas Clark (55) - Dallas Clark is the kind of guy that walks into a road side biker bar, gets in an altercation because he has taken everyone's money playing pool, then mercilessly beats the life out of seven large bikers. He also catches many, many, many passes and wins fantasy football weeks.
4. Zach Miller (42) - Gradkowski seems to love him some Zach Miller. The guy has the body to succeed, and like Schwarzenegger in a 70's porno, he's making the most of it. Inexperienced quarterbacks tend to lean on tight ends, so it will be interesting if Gradkowski ever starts giving love to his other receivers.
5. Chris Cooley (38) - Cooley reads his playbook naked and that's a well-documented fact. He also hangs out naked with Don McNabb, who clearly enjoys throwing balls his way. If things go my way, the Redskins will not score another touchdown this year. Things will not go my way and Chris Cooley will continue to be a strong option.