State of the Manion Address

The ultimate Mantasy League.

I heard a great story this Sunday. I was at the bar (read: The Bar) talking to a guy who knows a guy who knows a girl who went to Miami of Ohio. The story is that during Ben Roethlisberger's senior year, she was at a friend's place when the star quarterback emerged from a bedroom wearing only his boxers. One can only presume to know what takes place in a female's bedroom when Big Ben emerges, but that isn't even the point. They might have been studying in their underwear or trying on outfits, but the fact remains that he was nearly naked and suddenly standing in a room with at least one stranger. This stranger, and the original bearer of this story, said to a friend who told my friend who told me that Steeler quarterback-to-be, standing their proudly in his knickers, surveyed the room, looked at her, and without so much as a grin said, "So, which hole am I going to stick it in?" There is no end to this story, but based upon Ben's sexual history and the sheer lack of an end to this story beyond that subtle line, I assume that he was not limited to just one hole, neither in that room or the one from which he emerged. 

But who really knows? 

The fact remains that Ben Roethlisberger's penis is to female college students what Kevin Bacon is to cinema. With his Mantasy fully intact, us sexual mortals are left to divide into one of two camps: One that condemns his deviant ways and one that gawks at it, half intimidated, half in admiration. I must admit that I have floated back and forth between the two points of view, but no matter where I stand, it is undeniable that Ben Roethlisberger sleeps with his Mantasy (and many women) clutched closed to his bosom. In this, the Mantasy League State of the Manion, the update on Big Ben is that he is doing just fine. How are you doing? Let's find out.

"Don't worry about me," says the guy with three girls and a sweet tee shirt.

Debbie Dumps Dallas Clark: Believe it or not, Debbie was once 2-0 and looking to dominate. Injuries and some bad luck have left this team 2-5 and looking up. Is it possible to get out of such a hole? You bet. Aside from Cutler being more inaccurate than Helen Keller slamming moles, this side boasts many stars and two legitimate running backs. Colston looks to be coming around and if he can show in the second half, 2-5 could easily turn to 5-5 and a playoff campaign.

Milk Steak and Jelly Beans: Is there anything better than having a hometown player go off to win you your week? Truffles and puppies come to mind, but I'll take Hakeem Nicks on Monday night any day, and so will Sabo. But the big story here is Darren McFadden. Uh, what!? His most recent performance is the the discovery of the internet; it is modern medicine; it is The Beatles. Pair that guy with Mendy, Beanie Wells and 4-3 record, and people need to watch out.

Decisions can be hard and sometimes you have to go with your gut.
That being said, Sabo will be starting McFadden next week.

The Grundles: The new darling of The Mantasy League, it appears that The Grundles cannot be beat. Although the tone of that last sentence makes it seem a if this team is somehow lucky, it is not. By many accounts, Cedric Benson and Michael Turner have been busts, or at least disappointments, but really, they have been solid, and really, with Peyton Manning at the helm, solid is all you need to have a core three every week. Sprinkle on a non-concussed DeSean Jackson and a revived T.O. and you have quite a squad. The real killer on this team is Antonio Gates, and as long as he is putting up MVP numbers, Drew is going to beat teams. The playoffs are right around the corner.

The Dingleberrys: Despite not properly pluralizing his team name, Fuller must be very happy with the way things have turned out of the last few weeks. The much maligned trade way back when has done nothing but prove to be a brilliant managerial move. L.T. is not only alive, but appears to drink True Blood. Save for Tony No Romo, this team might have the best WR corp, and it certainly boasts the greatest depth at that position. Boldin, Lloyd, Johnson, Bowe, and Tampa Mike Williams are all viable weekly options. I have said some bad things about Bowe, but I take them back. Kansas City is a contender and will continue to play hard, which I imagine will focus drop-prone Bowe in the upcoming weeks. Still, Fuller won't even have to start him with his plethora of options.

The Ghostface Spiller: The man has less loyalty than Iago. After shipping off hometown hero Ahmad Bradshaw, this owner his played musical chairs with his lineup to the tune of 5-2. Roddy White is the Joey Votto of fantasy football. He has put blush on his cheeks, taken center stage, and worked Paula Abdul into a frenzy. Next to CJ2K and MJD, the numbers should be up most weeks for Ghostface. You can pretty much chalk up a week 9 loss, but unless a couple of teams emerge from the pack, this team will have to suffer a collapse to not been a favorite in the payoff hunt. What happens after that is up to the Gods.

Chris Henry's X-treme Parkour: Don't look now, but Judd is 5-2 and atop the league. He has been lurking like a white princess at an impromptu party for T.O.'s two half- related daughters. And like that princess, Judd intends to stay at the party and entertain the pants off of everyone. Okay, so the princess probably isn't trying to get anyone's pants off, but there is a party somewhere that includes a princess that is disrobing children and X-treme Parkour is just like that princess: delicate, unassuming, trauma-inflicting. Hike up those big girl panties, Ladies, because Foster, Forte and S Jax present a formidable stable of backs that roll harder than the double rainbow guy.

This isn't healthy.

Gym, Tan, Smoosh: This team also goes by some other names - The Infirmary, The Walking Dead, DeSean's Stiff Arms. Look, football is a violent game and that is a great part about it, but the amount of injuries to an otherwise deadly fantasy group is just staggering. Smith, Vick, and Jackson should all be back in the starting lineup soon and so if you haven't played Brendan yet, stock up on canned goods and board up your windows and doors because once they come back to life, Wakeham's dead army will not stop until it has infiltrated your house and spread its virus. 3-4 just isn't that bad in a tight league.

Tony No Romo: The loss of Romo is less damaging to this team than the fact that he started him this week and went down with young Tony's clavicle. If the record wasn't so ugly, this team would have no reason to panic. Unfortunately, it is, and Chandler is likely spending more time contemplating what he has and has not done than Brett Favre's penis. Now, that may very well be the second anthropomorphic reference to a star quarterback's member, but like Tony No Romo, a QB's johnson has a life of its own. At this point, it is unclear what Chandler has done to anger the Gods, but something is up. There is still time and time is all we need. Or is it love that is all we need? Well, Chandler needs some of that too.

That's Gold, Jerry! Gold!!!: Aside from the week that his boys suited up to face Ghostface, you get the feeling that the Gold team was fired up to get a win this week. Okay, that is just ridiculous logic, but for a depleted team, this was a big win. 3-5 is not ideal, but Hillis looks well fed and hungry and the Brady/Moss pairing - although not on the same real team - will pay off more weeks than it won't...and recently it hasn't been the best duo. Either way, Mike Wallace and his blistering speed is going to love Ben Roethlisberger like a sorority girl after taking a two floor funnel laced with vodka. 

Do Your Balls Dangle Low?: With a chance to go to 4-3 and even up with Spiller, the Dangle Low boys ran into a wall. This is one of those unlucky draws that can really hurt a team, but as Rick pointed out, even a top score was not likely to win, so it isn't a huge deal that some of his guys put up mediocre numbers. The bigger deal with this team, however, is that there are a few underachievers that need to pick it up. Williams is one case, but Fitzgerald is confirming all preseason skepticism as he continues to be mediocre. You can't comfortably bench Fitz or Williams, but if Schaub and Ochocinco can play with more consistency, Rick might have a late surge in him, and a surging Rick is nothing to turn one's back on. Or is a surging Rick the perfect thing to turn your back on...

Many teams hope to surge like this guy surges. He surges hard.

On a real football note, the Giants just kill quarterbacks. This should be noted whenever starting someone against them. If you think you can afford a quarter and a half of stats, by all means, leave your guy in for Osi and Tuck to ravage.

On their anniversary, Mrs. Tuck likes to pretend that she is Jay Cutler.