Girl, You Looks Good, Won't You Back That Ass Up?

A picture of Juvenile in handcuffs will make
more sense after you read the article.

Out of all of the fantasy sports, fantasy football is likely the most unique. Most apparently, the schedule - even if it goes to 18 games - is so much shorter that the implications of each dosing of games are amplified. As a result of this, the rosters of fantasy football teams are also very unique. Many leagues are different, but in The Mantasy League there are nine active (or "starting") spots each week and seven inactive (or "bench") spots. Compare this to fantasy baseball, in which many leagues have as few as three bench spots and it is easy to see why football has many interesting management strategies. My personal favorite - at least as a point of discussion - is the phenomenon known as "hand-cuffing", a strategy of owning players that are usually worthless at the time of pick-up or at the draft, but have upside should a player higher on the depth chart struggle or get injured.

Handcuffs can be fuzzy.

The Mantasy League's waiver order does not change on a week to week basis based on performance. Instead, owners manage their waiver spot with great care (hopefully) and put much thought into moves that will drop them in the order.  Inevitably, this alters how owners pick players up and, to some extent, what players they own. To elaborate, an owner with a top pick is unlikely to use it on a handcuff or player with potential value, whereas the owners at the bottom will throw claims in on just about anyone. The bottom line is that The Mantasy League is unique, as any league with some adjusted rules is, and assessing the value of players is hard to do in a universal way. That will not, however, stop me from trying, and in this case, I will take a look at the players in our league (and perhaps yours) that score almost no points, but have fantasy homes. I've tried to keep the list to the remotely relevant.

In Bondage
These players are either too good to be back ups or they are in unfortunate roles. Nonetheless, they are the best handcuffs out there because we have seen their resumes.

Willis McGahee - This guy could be so cool if that Ray Rice contusion was serious. Alas, 18 yards and a TD is par.
Jonathan Stewart - I'm getting tired of writing about this guy, but he is so damn interesting. 
Jerome Harrison - Poor guy. His profile pic just looks so much better than Peyton Hillis'. What does he have to do?
Shonn Greene - Yeah, I can't believe it, either. He's a backup. For now.
Brandon Jacobs - How far he has fallen. Personally, I don't think he's good if he gets all the carries. What happened?
Fred Jackson - I wouldn't surprised is F.J. was never heard from again. Ever. But he could be good with touches.
Ricky Williams - Age? Weed Smoke? You pick. Still, an injury to R.Brown and this guy is getting your team lifted.
Felix Jones, or is it Marion Barber? - How neither of these guys is valuable is beyond me.
Michael Bush - Run-DMC relegated this guy to J.V. He might not be dead, but while DMC is alive, Bush is a handcuff.


Note: I have tried not to include players like Jamaal Charles and Thomas Jones because they are in a true split and both have value. Similarly, I am ignoring the Green Bay situation because I cannot make sense of who is starting, nor do I think it matters; they love passing.

You'se a fine mother f'er, won't you...

Back That Ass Up
These are true backups. Fear of losing a high round pick is usually why an owner has one of these guys, but some owners just like to wish injuries upon other people's players. Many of these names are just that, only names.

Rashard Jennings - As backups go, he is not so appealing to me. The Jags look bad and this guy is no MJD.
Bernard Scott - Similar to Jennings, it isn't clear how good he'd be. Still, if he had 20+ attempts...
Jevon Ringer - The heir apparent. Nobody is The Prawn, but The Titans are wed to running.
Keilland Williams - "Boogley-shoop-di-boop." That is about all that this guy means to me.
Ryan Torain - Ah, now this is a Redskins backup I'd look at. Good when healthy, which is typical for a Shanahan guy.
Jason Snelling - I picture him bashing people and grunting, "Snell! Snell!" Seriously, check out his physique:

Monster catch ball! Monster crush! Snell! Snell!
Love this dude.

Lawrence Maroney - I once tried dating Larry Maroney and it backfired. I own him again in hope that this is the year.
Donald Brown - Look, if the Colts ran more, he'd be good, no doubt. At least Addai is always  banged up.
Mike Tolbert - Not sexy, but if he had all the carries, he would be valuable. Which brings me to...
Darren Sproles - Felix...ahem...Sproles will always be a risky play. Does he hit one or get 13 yards? IDK.
Steve Slaton - From first round pick to this in a year. There are a lot of people who would love to see this guy dead.
C.J. Spiller - Is he a handcuff? Sort of. He's more like an embryonic handcuff - he'll be done cooking later.
Kenneth Darby - Suddenly relevant, Darby filled in well last week. He is the fantasy equivalent of stale vomit.
Isaac Redman - Steeler fans love him, which is a good sign. If Mendy broke, this guy would be gold...black and gold.
Mike Goodson - Mantasy-mentioned already, Goodson is good, son. It would take an airplane crash, but he's classy.

Worship Me, Slave
These guys are fantasy crap and should suck stiletto.

Correll Buckhalter - 32 and never great. If the job was his, fine, but it looks like teams will do anything not to start him.
Leon Wahington - He'd be up a tier if Pete Carroll played fantasy football.
Julius Jones - He'd be buried in an empty lot somewhere if Pete Carroll played fantasy football.
Michael Robinson - Only because he is buried. He could be a good one if he ever had the chance to have the chance.
Maurice Morris - Perennial handcuff and perennially useless. I'd rather have Kevin Smith and he is crippled.




As always, I may have forgotten some good ones. Either post a comment or e-mail (for anonymity) - MantasyMan@gmail.com