The Weak in Review

After a dramatic week of bureaucratic bumper cars, the third installment of our collective Mantasy is nearing completion. The weekend saw the crowning of a new order of law that, after nine hundred scathing e-mails and a similar number of contradictory text messages, landed us at the sophisticated conclusion that trades require the designated amount of time to process and cannot be "pushed through" by the commissioner. We also learned that Andre Johnson and his gimpy ankle are worth more than a prawn hand to a Nigerian warlord in District 9.

He wants your prawn arm and is willing to fork over dozens of cans of cat food,
but he will have to wait two days for the trade to process. Same for the alien weaponry.

Alas, we have learned a lesson, and what is fantasy football about if not teaching us lessons by which to live and love. The lesson, much like the value of NFL players and their future statistical output, is subjective, so I will share with you the lesson that I learned: In a world that is dominated by the unpredictable and the uncontrollable, it is best to clearly define that which you can make sense of at all. In this particular case, our trade policy is one of those controllable things and we have irresponsibly let it be vague for too long. Rest easy now, my manpanions, we have, and will continue to, perfect the art of the Mantasy.

But enough dribble-drabble, let us talk manscape. As it is Sunday night, I do not want to falsely proclaim winners, so I will keep this to what we learned about the stocks and not the market.

Diversification is key, especially when it comes to bonds.

Strong portfolio players:

Mike Vick - I just love calling this guy Mike, as if I know him, yet I firmly believe that we would never truly be friends, no matter how much time we spent getting to know one another. The distance between us begins with him torturing the Giants in the past as a Falcon, moves to him looking to torture the Giants as an Eagle, and ends with him having tortured dogs. Still, I fear that there is one more wrinkle: he is a fantasy stud and I don't own him. Despite a history of being more drawn to this guy's scrambling ability than a baby boomer to erection medicine, I somehow don't have him on my team. His running ability is insane and there will be weeks that he produces like a solid RB on top of his passing yards, but his pocket presence looks sophisticated at this point and he is stick of fantasy dynamite. Gym, Tan, Smoosh now has a QB controversy between Vick and the mercurial, but ridiculously productive, Philip Rivers. This weekly decision should be fun to follow.

This is the kind of attitude that wins Mantasy titles.

Anquan Boldin - Dude went off. He went off harder than a baby boomer in a Chinatown brothel with a pocket full of erection medicine. Flacco to AB was not really an issue, but there were growing concerns about the Ravens' revamped passing game and those concerns inevitably clouded Boldin's value. Three touchdowns later, it looks he's is a total stud. Call him Creepy Quan - cause he loves damaging touches like a weird uncle.

"Oh, hey Creepy Quan. Did you bring the touches?"
Just pray that he knows what you mean.

Peyton Hillis - There is a lot of room for racism in this upcoming paragraph, but I will try not to go there.  Hillis was born to Doug and Carrie Hillis on January 21, 1986 and raised in Conway, Arkansas. He played football for Conway High School from 1999–2003, where he played primarily as a fullback. He ran for many, many yards and many, many touchdowns. He later went to the University of Arkansas, where he blocked for Felix Jones and Darren McFadden. He played fullback, halfback, tight end, wide receiver, and returned both punts and kicks.* He is also white. Is that racist? No, it's a fact. My disbelief over his incredible performance against the Ravens is racist because the guy has a terrific track record and my hesitations about him stem solely from his ESPN profile pic. Bart has something going here and this guy could be a fun twist in this fantasy season.

Peyton Hillis. He salutes you, Affirmative Action.

Other growing portfolios:
Jeremy Maclin
Kyle Orton
Mike Wallace
LaDanian Tomlinson
Dustin Keller
Brandon Lloyd
Roy Williams
Austin Collie
Every Broncos receiver
Benjarvis Ellis-Green
Malcolm Floyd
Santana Moss


Weak Portfolio Players:


Jonathan Stewart - Sure, he scored, but the Panthers are hot garbage on the side of a busy avenue. Stewart also fumbled and DeAngelo Williams continues to start and be the horse. One of these weeks Stewie gets going, but it will be tough without an injury or a sudden Carolina resurrection. 

Stewie is a spectator for now.

Tim Hightower - Hightower is likely to have some value from here on out, but Beanie Wells returned this week and looked pretty good. If he doesn't have any other super secret injuries or surgeries, Beanie's role should grow and that means nothing good for Officer Hightower. 

Just a great Hightower picture.

Shonn Greene - He just isn't the starter. He isn't the third down back, either. He isn't even the goal line back. At best, he will be the late season/playoff back, but that will not help you and your fantasy dreams if your team doesn't win now. He is a frustrating early pick and there is nothing to do but hold him close, stroke him, and tell him everything is going to be alright. The same treatment can be applied to anyone who drafted Greene.


Being hurt does not help one's Mantasy:
Jahvid Best - toe
Andre Johnson - ankle
Steven Jackson - groin




*Wikipedia is a beast of a resource.