Not My League

I love FX. It has terrific, diverse programming and almost every great show that I have been pointed to recently is theirs. It goes without saying then, that when I returned home from physical therapy last night, I was quite excited to settle into the new seasons of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and, coming at you with it's second season, The League.

Welcome back, Sweet Dee. I love you.

The League is a show that is near and dear to my Mantasy. It is a sitcom about a group of friends in a fantasy football league. They drink, they talk about girls, some of them have families...it is their Mantasy, and I respect that. The greatest part of the whole show is Taco, a character that is very similar to the Mantasy League's own Bart. I will not further unpack the comparison because it is better to witness it (and there are certain differences), but Bart is the closest thing that we have to a Taco.

Taco is also good because he is played by Jon LaJoie, who kind of kicks ass.

Taco explains birthdays.

Taco.

See? Now that is my kind of humor. Needless to say, as I settled into my couch - bag of ice on my shoulder, the Percocet coursing through me - I was excited to see what Taco and his league mates had in store for me.

Let's flash forward to after the show...

- I had seen a guest appearance by Chad Ochocinco, which was cool, in theory, but actually just okay. The writers beat "child, please" into the ground, but I'm pretty sure that Ochocinco's Hard Knocks line was overplayed last season, so I held my ground and remained patient. Give me Taco.

- I saw some strippers and one of the main characters' unrealistically hot wives. It was good eye candy, but ultimately I feel pain when I see really hot women on T.V., especially when they are dating and/or having sex with ugly guys. This is, and has been, one of televisions' most sinister tricks. I know way too many guys who are not ugly and are still waiting to "out-kick their coverage" (best line from last night's show) because the T.V. tells them that hot, smart, fantasy-loving strippers are somewhere out there waiting to be scooped up. Gentlemen, aside from the occasional gold mine - a hot girl who isn't totally awful - Jimmy Soul has the best advice: "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife." Women have figured this out already, but they replace "pretty woman" with "poor man." Fact: Women on T.V. are not real. It makes me frustrated.

Jimmy Soul. He is on my Mantasy soundtrack.

- The salaries of the characters are very much in question. It is clear that Taco has no money and that the douche doctor (and league winner) has a lot. However, it seems that everyone else's payscale is in constant flux. Either that, or they just don't mind throwing hundreds of dollars to have a (terrible) fantasy draft in the middle of a music video in Las Vegas.

Speaking of terrible fantasy drafts, I want to lay out what I learned about 'The League':

- It is an 8 team league. Now, our Mantasy League is 10 teams and I know that there are many who prefer 12. On the other hand, in a 12 team league, it is my feeling it is very easy to have a couple of absolutely terrible teams. In our 10 team league, the difference between first place and last place is quite minimal, a result of even the worst teams having competitive lineups. In fact, more choices need to be made because teams have good (not always great) options. This year, for the first time, I belong to a 14 team league. Some of the teams are already irrelevant. I still think this is a better scenario than having 8 loaded teams. They were discussing Miles Austin being drafted in the fifth round. Uh, let me in this league. If they let me in, I would suggest that there be a large monetary prize. (Then I'd draft Larry Johnson.)

The League. That board behind them is probably
filled with gobbledygook.

- There is a scene in the pool (I believe that they are in a pool, but it may have been a pre-draft bar scene) in which one of the guys proclaims it the "Year of the Quarterback" and says that he is taking Philip Rivers in the first round. Perhaps the idea of this show is that these guys don't know their ass from their elbow, but go ahead, take Rivers in the first found of your 8 team league. I want to write curse words.

- A really hot wife wanted to join the league, but instead they let a total fool join. I'm in a fantasy baseball league (a terrific one) and there is a female owner. She is awesome. Her team name is Rockford Peachz and I am currently locked up in a two week playoff battle with her. She has won the league before and is easily one of the better owners. If a qualified female owner wanted to be part of our Mantasy football league, I would consider expanding the league. Of course, she would have to have gone to college with us, but still, it is not out of the realm of the possible that this would happen. The protest over the hot wife's entry is questionable. What is more, why not let them both join and find one more. Make it a 10 team league. I cannot let that go...8 teams is weak.

My Mantasy baseball team from 1944.
As far as I am concerned, more women should play fantasy sports.
The good ones already do.

- There is a scene in which they walk in on Ruxin, one of the owners, masturbating to the draft board. It actually sounds funnier now that I write it out. Look, we've all had the proverbial masturbatory session with our recently drafted fantasy team - you know, when you sit with a friend and the two of you talk at each other about your new team but neither of you have any intention of listening to the other. (I suppose that is more like mutual masturbation, but it is the closest thing I have seen to this situation.) Still, the guy is pants down, working himself, with the board set up like movie. And it is an 8 team league. Put your thing down, go get another friend and invite the hot wife so that there are 10 teams. After that, go to town our yourself.

-Two owners, the one's who could not be there, auto-drafted. I don't need to explain the blasphemy of this. It is ridiculous when one person does it, but two is just offensive. My guess is that those two owners aren't friends with the others, which makes it a sad league. They need to have another, better league as their main league. Everyone has a main league, and it should kick ass. This league does not kick ass and there is a television show about.

A Real League
In this picture: Bart, Pete, Chandler, Judd, Sabo, Fuller, Drew, Rick, Brendan, and Tim (Not in order)

Perhaps the writers are leaving room for more owners to join. Perhaps ten owners is just hard to pull off from a television writing point of view. Perhaps I am missing the point. Are these guys supposed to have a terrible league? I hope not. It takes minimal effort to get ten people together and have an active league. Will I keep watching The League? For a bit, but the football part of it is a disaster and I can't imagine following the happenings of the league very closely as the season progresses. I haven't even mentioned that the new guy drafted a kicker in the first round. In the Mantasy League, if someone spent his first pick on a kicker, I'm pretty sure he would lose, all time time. We'd also beat him furiously with our fists. Fuller did have two kickers one year, but that was endearing and they were both good kickers.

We should have a televisions show. I'm jealous.