Pick-Up Artists

“How’s it goin’? Are ya flowin? That’s the first thing I say to you.” While Jack Black sure is funny when singing about double teaming bitches, and awkwardly unfunny when doing anything else, I doubt this pick-up line would ever work in real life. Unless the prey is particularly drunk and/or dim witted, this inquiry should earn you a slap in the face every time.

However, some guys have a skill when it comes to picking up the ladies. Perhaps it is a combination of confidence, booze, financial status, and not being completely heinous looking that makes these men good pick-up artists. Perhaps it’s just luck. Perhaps it’s something else. I can’t really say for sure. I never was good at that game, partly because I never really tried. It’s kind of like poker to me; I’m not very interested in it, despite of the potential gains, and when I join in, it’s half-hearted, short lived, and generally unsuccessful. Those of us who are still in the game have ups and downs, just like the poker players you see, but generally never really watch, on TV. One night you could be up 200 chips, skinny dipping with a 21 year old co-ed, and the next night you could lose all your chips, stumbling drunkenly around a buddy’s wedding, groping irrationally on the cute blonde.

Maurice Jones-Jew loves weddings.
Hide your woman, he's been doing PX90.

Thankfully I am out of that game; one of the good things about being in a relationship is never having to sit down at the poker table of slice hunting. These days, I have been noticing a pick-up artist of another variety, the Mantasy pick-up artist. The Mantasy waiver dance is a simple art form that becomes complicated by excess strategy and over thinking, one in which some owners invest a lot of time, but one on which other owners do not frequently rely. If you pay attention, you can improve your team by filling much needed holes, and the waiver wire certainly can provide Mantasy success. Obviously, the waiver claims become much more relevant in this league during the playoffs, when late season pick-ups like Jay Culter, Jerome Harrison, Jamaal Charles and Jabar Gaffney win championships. However, it is interesting to look at the methods involved in the waiver process so far in this young season.

Side note: Picking up defenses and kickers is sort of ancillary to this discussion. The same goes for tight ends to some extent. Mainly, these positions are picked up and dropped based on matchups, so there isn’t much relevance here…except for when someone sets his alarm clock to wake up at 4:30 am to pick up Neil Rackers on waiver day. It’s moves like this that prompt blogs from league members, Mantasy Man.

Every Mantasy owner has already made at least two acquisitions this season, and I believe everyone has used a Thursday morning waiver claim at least once. There are certainly differing opinions on how to manage waiver requests, as evidenced in the activity/inactivity of the league owners. The burning question seems to be pretty consistent: Do I want any player enough to forfeit my waiver position? The main misconception, in my mind, is that you need to be as close to the coveted #1 waiver spot as possible. I call this the Low End Theory. Yes, it certainly is good to have a low waiver spot, but not if you aren’t going to use it. Jones-Jew currently has the #1 waiver spot, and it is clear that he is waiting for a gem of a pick-up before he relinquishes his waiver position. Ghostface Spiller seems to be doing the same. But I am not talking about them right now. They had no glaring need for any of “top” waiver players this week. To them, keeping their position made more sense than wasting a claim on a back-up RB or a questionable WR. I agree with this, as there will be better tail to take home as the season progresses. However, take for example team Bowe-ner, which is not fun to write, I concur. After two fairly random pick-ups following Week 1, Bowe-ner thought he smartened up by deciding not to place a waiver claim following Week 2. Sure, he moved up a spot or two in the waiver order, but there were a couple of players that he should have attempted to get. Any Ryan Matthews owner with zero other healthy/capable running backs on his roster needed to at least put in a claim for Mike Tolbert this week. Who cares if Matthews plays this weekend, you need to try to own Tolbert for at least a couple of weeks just to make sure. I really hope that Bowe-ner put in a claim for Tolbert and that Parkour simply stole him, but I have a sneaky suspicion that this is not the case. Either way, losing Ryan Matthews means end of season for this team, period. Jason Snelling, though not really relevant unless Turner re-injures himself, was available and should have been snagged by this owner.

Contrary to the Low End Theory, some Mantasy owners place waiver claims virtually every week. Some teams are looking for a spark like Gold!!! and The Grundles, and some teams are simply good enough to take a chance on someone without spending much worry on their waiver position (see: Parkour and Smoosh). I like this strategy, but it bears remembering that you aren’t required to claim someone every week. Smoosh has secured himself to the bottom of the waiver order every week through his pick-up strategy. But this is one of the better teams in the league, and most of his pick-ups have the potential to be useful, so this is not a strategy that I would frown upon. He has enough talent on that roster to gamble with some waiver work. Same goes for Parkour and Debbie Does Dallas Clark.

A big strategy for many Mantasy owners is picking up players after they clear waivers. This strategy has clearly confused team Bowe-ner. After Week 1, the Bowe-ner owner wanted to show his involvement in the waiver process, so he ended up making not one, but two, completely irrelevant waiver claims. Both of these Bengals could have easily been claimed after the waivers had cleared, not costing Bowe-ner his waiver spot. After Week 2, this owner changed his tune by not picking anyone up, as mentioned above. Not to beat this team into the ground…well ok, to continue to beat a dead horse, as early as Week 1, this owner was touting the future stardom of some big Denver receiver named Thomas. Yes, this Mantasy owner has two solid starting WR, but with his Bowe-ner looking very flaccid and the bench WRs not producing anything, this could have been a pick-up with big ole titties that would revive Bowe-ner a couple of times. When your team is in need of a big kick in the pants, this is the type of move you need to take a chance on. It’s not worth jumping on board the Low End Theory if you are going to ignore your needs. Thomas most certainly was not going to clear waivers, this should have been obvious.

Demaryius Thomas is more than just a name on the waiver wire,
he has feelings too. And giant muscles.

Waiting for players to clear waivers is risky. Sometimes the slut you are interested in gets taken by another pick-up artist. Sometimes you go home with a far less attractive companion. Sometimes you go home empty handed. So it goes. This takes us back to the question of whether or not that slut is worth your waiver spot. Eventually the answer is going to be yes, whether it’s out of desperation, boredom or because you finally found a mate for your Mantasy.

With all of this said, it is difficult to determine who are the best Mantasy pick-up artists in this league. We all know the history of Jones-Jew making infinite transactions and Bowe-ner making very few. This season, Bowe-ner made a promise to himself and the league that he would be more promiscuous with the free agents, but so far this has not been the case. Jones-Jew has made six acquisitions so far, sticking with his documented high transaction rate, and Gold!!! has made seven, but this is a result of two low scoring teams trying to find a way to get points on the board. Smoosh has the most acquisitions, smashing the most free agents, thereby living up to one third of his team name (gym and tan certainly aren’t in his daily routine). The champion of this league usually gets some big contributions from waiver players and/or trades. It will be fun this season, for me at least, to see what kind of game we all throw out there as Mantasy pick-up artists.

The ESPN waiver process is not perfect. Peter and I would both like some rule changes, but that is just because we are colluding to make this league better for the two of us. For example, putting in multiple claims can get you in trouble if you haven’t already cleared roster space. This is something that I think needs to be addressed, but I will let Debbie Does Dallas Clark respond in the comment section about this.

And perhaps I will revisit this post mid-season to see if the mentality of the Mantasy pick-up artist has changed at all. Until then, the waivers will get thinner and strategy will become more important. Will you excel at the pick-up game, or will you end up stumbling around drunk, hoping to get lucky with Carson Palmer?

You don't get luck with Carson Palmer,
he gets lucky with you.

*Written by Do Your Balls Dangle Low with editorial assistance and collusion provided by Debbie Does Dallas Clark.