PIRATES vs. NINJAS

Most people know a little bit about the Facebook game Pirates vs. Ninjas (except for Richard who refuses to join Facebook because he’s too fucking cool). For those who are not familiar with the game (Rick!), it strikes upon the ancient debate of who would win in a fight: a Pirate or a Ninja. While the Ninja is a stealthy, emotionless killer, the Pirate is a sneaky plunderer who takes from the rich and keeps for himself. If, according to Timothy, a Ninja is a player who is silently excelling in the Mantasy universe, then a Pirate would be the worst enemy of a young Ninja on the verge of Mantasy stardom.  In our Mantasy world, a Pirate is a running back that steals goal-line carries or an inferior runner who is splitting carries with a leashed beast; a tight end or wide receiver who only catches the ball in the red zone; a quarterback who is so noodle-armed and inept that he is leaving his star receiver starved and unfulfilled; or any other player who’s inexplicable involvement in the offense is softening your erection for Mantasy glory. In recent history, when you mention Pirates, the names LenDale White and Willis McGahee are instantly recalled for their love of stolen booty and barrels of frothy grog. In the future, you will know if a Pirate has targeted one of your favorite Mantasy studs because, when you hear his name, you will utter curse words and wish a horrible death upon him. I am now here to grant those death wishes!! On a weekly basis, I will scour the vast oceans of our Mantasy in an attempt to rid our world of these worthless scallywags. After Week 1 the following Pirates have been collected by my powerful armada and a ruling will soon be made as to whether it’s a case of mistaken identity or if the scum will be sentenced to hang by the neck until dead, dead, DEAD:

1)  Thomas Jones – Jamal Charles is a studly Ninja. He has the skills and speed of Chris Johnson, and he proved it last year with 968 yards and seven touchdowns, including four of at least 44 yards, in the final eight games of the season.  He deserves to touch the ball 20-25 times a game. Yet, even after ripping off an electric 50 yard touchdown in the opener versus the Chargers, he was relegated to a time share with Jones – splitting 22 carries. I respected the fact that the Chiefs went out and signed Jones in the offseason for cheap money. He’s a tough, underrated runner who has rushed for at least 1,300 yards the last two seasons and punched in 14 TDs last year for the Jets. He makes a great backup and change-of-pace back for Charles. What I don’t understand is why Jones would settle for this role. He’s on the wrong side of 30, but has the recent credentials to be a starting back in the NFL. My only theory is that he has staked out Charles’ overflowing bounty and will continue to lurk in the shadows, picking away at the treasure until he is fat and rich. Live or Die?: DIE

2)    Marcedes Lewis – Lewis had two catches for 33 yards and in doing so stole a pair of touchdowns from MJD. Lewis’ emergences was an incredible anomaly as David Garrard has targeted him in the red zone exactly eight times the past two years combined, and he has never scored more than two times in a season. On Sunday, he matched his season high by the 10 minute mark of the third quarter. Sir Nutik could do nothing but watch as Lewis took at least 12 Mantasy points away from the fourth overall pick of the draft. MJD finished with a pedestrian performance thanks to Lewis’ newfound greed. Live or Die?: LIVE

3)   Peyton Hillis – Jerome Harrison collected 561 yards and five scores over final three weeks of the 2009 season, and it appeared he had done enough to win the starting job in ’10. However, Cleveland went out and drafted Montario Hardesty, and many predicted a time share between the two. Suddenly, Harrison looked like a great value once Hardesty went down for the season with a knee injury, and his stock began to soar within fantasy circles. The turn of events was so promising that it was enough to tempt Sabo into sitting Darren McFadden, who went on to score 22 Mantasy points, in favor of Harrison. Unfortunately for Sabo, Harrison managed only five Mantasy points himself after splitting 18 carries evenly with Hillis. The Little White Cannon Ball not only took half of Harrison’s carries, he also nabbed a TD. While Hillis is a diabolical thief who deserves to die like a dog, it is nice to see a Caucasian pirate in the mold of Captain Jack Sparrow back on the high seas after affirmative action has paved the way for all those damn Somali pirates that have dominated the position for so long. Live or Die?: DIE

Generally speaking, pirates are kind of lame,
but few suck as much as the Somali version.

4)    Josh Freeman – In the opener, Mike Williams lived up to much of the preseason hype with five catches for 30 yards and a touchdown. However, Williams could have had an even more impressive debut if Freeman wasn’t sneaking shots of rum on the bench during the game. The apparently drunk QB missed a wide-open Williams for a sure six points, but then somehow sobered up on the next play, leaned back on the kickstand of his peg-leg, and hit Michael Spurlock for 33 yard TD. Williams finished with 11 Mantasy points but it could have been 20 were it not for Freeman’s heavy hand. While I respect the shit out of the sticktoitiveness of an alcoholic Pirate, I cannot condone its negative effects – on the liver and our Mantasy. Live or Die?: LIVE

5)    Calvin Johnson –Pirates are sometimes so greedy that they’ll steal from themselves. Pirates also love to dance and sing. The combination of the two can be disastrous. I don’t think Megatron is a real Pirate. He was just impersonating one on Sunday and may not deserve to walk the plank with the other shark bait. Live or Die?: LIVE

Any way you cut it, Megatron is cool.

6)   Derek Anderson – Shiver me timbers! Larry Fitzgerald was targeted 15 times and caught only three passes. Max Hall is waiting patiently to take over for the scurvy ridden Anderson, who somehow made a Pro Bowl a few years back. Anderson is just flat out terrible and doesn’t deserve to play the quarterback position professionally. We all thought Richard got a steal in Fitzy, but maybe it has been Anderson who was stealing from the Italian prince all along. Live or Die?: DIE

Ninjas are better, especially for fantasy purposes.

Did a Pirate escape my far-reaching vision and naval units? Let me know about your plight in the comments section.

Written by Debbie Does Dallas Clark with editorial assistance and collusion provided by Do Your Balls Hang Low?.